The Bessest

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Your're my bessest friend of the whole world."

Said Most Sweetly and Sincerly...

"My butt farted a big, juicy fart for you. And when it came out it was a heart. A pink one--for you, Mom."

Backseat Driver

"Mom, now I need you to go norf, and then turn left. Ok? Don't turn left here, just go norf first."

Gobble Gobble

"Thanks for the gobbles, Mom! Now I can see under the water! Wif my new gobbles!"

Second-First is Almost as Good

"Mom, put my shoes on me first!"

"You'll have to either put them on yourself or wait for me to put mine on."

"Ok, put mine on second, first!"

The Chatty Babysitter

‎"How did it go with your Grandma last night, Colin?"

"I just tolded her to not talk and be quiet. She likes to talk!"

How does he know that Midas is the touch he needs?

"I'm goin' to be a Dad. And wif a girlfriend and a pool and a truck and a big, big house. And a little dog. Named Midas."

I Want One Too

"Mom, soon I want to get a new giant car that can fly, ok?"

"You mean like an airplane?"

"No. A giant car and it can fly so high somewhere, like to Canada!"

I Guess it was a Hard Quesion

"Mom, don't ask me, I'm not a grownup!!!!!"

He reserves the right to change from cartoon character to super-hero without notifying the public at large.

"Mom, Spiderman does NOT wear 'Transformin's' shoes. He only wears Spiderman's shoes. I am Spiderman, Mom."

Time to go shoe shopping.

Genetic Evidence That He's My Son

"Do you want a snack, Colin? I have popcorn, cheese and an apple."

"I want chocolate."

"I have no chocolate."

"Then you're not my friend!"

Weird Conversation, 4am

"Mom! Mom! Mom! I want to be a boy mermaid!"

"Uh...okay. Go back to sleep, babe."

"No, mom! I want to be a boy mermaid right now!"

"Oh. I think you were having a dream, honey."

"No, I wasn't! I just want to be a boy mermaid!"

Kinda Works That Way, Doesn't it?

‎"Mom, I like you a lot. But sometimes when I'm mad, I only like myself."

Still Traveling

"Colin, look, you got a passport!"

"Oh good, I got a new one."

"Well, this is your first passport."

"No it's not!"

"It's not?"

"No, I had one when I died!"

"Oh. Okay. Well, this is your new passport then."

"Yep!"

Do They Carry Those at Toys R Us?

"Mom, soon can we get a horse what has wings?"

I Stand Corrected

Colin was starving. I gave him a big bowl of spaghetti.

"Go to town, kid."

"No, Mom," he said, "I go to table."

Aww, Shucks.

I woke up with a smiling little face inches from mine:

"Mom! I'm your buddy!"

"Yes...you are, honey."

"And you're my buddy too, right?"

"Yep. I am."

Dinnertime Existentialism

"Eat your chicken, kid. Bodies need protein too."

"I don't have a body."

"You don't?"

"No!"

"What's that thing right there with toes and fingers and a head?"

"Oh....yeah."

I'm Losing my Narvels

"Mom, Grandma has narvels!"

"Narvels?"

"Yeah! I got some narvels at school too!"

"What are 'narvels', babe?"

"Those little round things."

"Oh. You mean marbles."

"No I don't. They're narvels, Mom."

You Can Buy Those?

‎"Mom, it was my dream we went to the human store and the robot store too. And we got to a monster store. And we got a kid that's human like us, that talks. A girl one."

The Latest Colinism

"Woo-la-who": n, a tubular plastic hoop, about 4 ft. in diameter, for rotating about the body by swinging the hips, used for physical exercise or in children's play: introduced in the 1950s.

Also known as a Hula Hoop.

Better Check That

Measuring the washing machine with his dad's tape measure:

"Twenty-six, seven, five, six. Mmmm...I better check that."

Drops tape measure and runs out back door.

Baby Blob

‎"Mom, when I was a baby I was boring."

Brave

‎"I'n afraid of fire, Mom, an' airplane crashing. But I'm not afraid of dying."

The Finer Things in Life

"This is our big house where we live an' it has a sink and wittle cookies!"

Do I Really Need a Reason?

"Why did you got me a surprise, Mom?"

"Because I love you and you're awesome."

"Oh. Okay."

The Brown Guy

Trying to explain to Colin whose birthday party we were going to:

"You know the grown-up guy I was talking to, next to the pool last weekend?"

"No."

"You know, uh... Lily and Jasmine's Daddy?"

"No."

"You know...he had an orange bathing suit on?"

Colin said, "Oh yeah! The brown guy?!"

"Yeah! That guy!"

Laughing....because that is the most obvious thing, so why didn't I think to say that first?

I Finked he Wooked Willy, Willy Cute

Dressed in his bathing suit for a pool party:

"Mom, what do you fink - do I wook so cute?"

Woah.

Discovering Pillbugs:

"Mom! Wook! It's a Woah-ly Poah-ly! But where he's going? Oh. He needs to go find his mom."

Twinkle Twinkle

In the car tonight:

"Woah, Mom! Look! That star is following us!"

Colin Gets his Groove On

When he saw the video he said, "I was a really good dancer!"

The Pied Piper of Owies

"Mom, does your owie hurts?"

"Yes, it does."

"How 'bout I play music for your owie so it doesn't hurts and it gets better right now?"

Huh?

"Ba ba ba ba."

"What?"

"Mom, I'm a baby. I said 'Ba ba ba ba!"

"What does that mean?"

"BA BA BA BA!"

"Kid, you're driving me crazy. I can't understand you."

"BA. BA. BA. BA!!!"

"Ok. Please talk to me later when you're not a baby."

"I was saying 'I love you, mom.' Oh my God-uh."

Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons:

"Those guys are funny, Colin!"

"No they're not! They're just so cute and nice!"

My Son's Idea of Fine Dining...

"Mom are you going out?"
"Yes."
"With your friend?"
"Yes."
"Are you gonna hang out?"
"Yep!"
"Outside?"
"No, babe, we're going in her car and we're going to go to a restaurant."
"Oh! You're going to Bobs!"
(As in Bob's Big Boy)

The Black Hat

"Daddy, I'm a good guy, right?"

"Yep."

"And you're a good guy, right?"

"Yep."

"Okay. I'm gonna shoot Mom."

So We Can Go To The Beach, Already.

"Mom, you see that clock?"

"Yeah."

"That says it's summer time. Okay?"

Them Lazy Flowers

Kid was in the back yard blowing an obnoxiously loud whistle. I heard him singing, so opened the window to hear, "Wake up, wake up, wake up the flowers! Toot Toot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wake up, wake up, wake up the grass, Toot Toot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

More Than One Way to Get a Sibling

"Mom, I'm gonna buy a baby for you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. It's gon' be awesim."

Shorts vs. Talls

"This is just for kids, mom. It's not for talls."

I Must be Looking Thinner

"Mom, you can share my wittle underwear if you want to."

The Silver Bullet

In the minivan this morning, "Mom this is a race car, right? It says 'ka-chow' like Lightening McQueen!"

I Approve This Logic

"Daddy, can I eat this chocolate now?" "You'd better ask Mom." "No, it's mine, I better ask me!"

An Astute Observation

"Mom, legs don't have training wheels."

Kid Physics

"Mom, are you tall?"

"Yep."

"Is Auntie Sharen tall?"

"Yep. She's taller than me."

"Is she taller than you upside down on a roller coaster?"

"Uh...I think upside down on a roller coaster we'd be the same."

"Oh. Okay."

Might Be Time I Eased Off on the Butt Compliments...

We were out at the Americana, a local outdoor mall, today. As we walked around the fountain and came to the back of the 18-foot "Spirit of American Youth" statue, Colin shouted, "Aw! Cute butt!"

Dang.

I got out of bed this morning and started singing cheerfully but with a tired voice.

From the kid's bed: "Mom! Stop it!"

I laughed but kept singing.

"Mom, stop it I said! Oh my God-uh! You're gonna make me cry!"

For Sale:

One four year old boy in Spiderman pajamas. Cute. Says a lot of funny shit. Will kick you in the arm really hard while you try to use your laptop. Laughs when you protest. First come, first served. No refunds. No exchanges.

Where the Fishes Do Their Business

Kid headed out the door early this morning to go fishing with his Dad.

"Colin, do you want to go to the bathroom before you go?"

"Um...Does fishing have a toilet?"

I Have Been Warned

"You have to be nice to me if you want to be my friend, Mom. Cuz I can get a new Mom."

And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor, Extra-Gooey-Super-Sweet

"I love you, Colin."

"Yeah."

"Do you love me?"

"Yeah."

"How much?"

"So, so, so, so...very...special...much."

"Wow. How much do you love Daddy?"

"Very special much, like you."

Are You My Girl?

When kissing Colin goodnight, he popped his tongue in my mouth.

"Eew! Colin, you can kiss your girlfriend like that one day, but not your mom."

"Yeah, when I'm a big man! And I can say, "Are you my girl?" and I can sing her a song! Wif my guitar!"

"That'll be a lucky girl."

"Yeah. My giwlfriend."

Four Year Old Nightmares

Colin woke up twice during the night last night, once at 2:30 am: "Noooooo! I can't put my socks on by myself, I can't!"

and again at about 4am:

"Don't touch it! Stop touching it! It's not yours, it's miiiiiine!"

Manners for Grandma

Colin farted. "What do you say when you fart, Colin?" "Nuffink!"

He farted again. "What do you say when you fart, Colin?" "I awready said 'Nuffink'!"

A little while later my mom came over. I heard him fart from the next room. His Grandma said, "What do you say when you fart, Colin?"

"Oh, Excuse me."

Robot Dragon

"Mom, it was a robot dragon and he say, 'I'm biting you and making you dead!' and I said, 'No!' and then he said, 'I want to eat a giant house for my dinner!' and then I got him dead! In my dream!"

Makse Sense to Me

"Mom, my tummy hurts. I need the doctor to look in my belly button."

Where's the Baby?!

Kid sat up like a shot from a sound sleep and shouted urgently, "Mom? Where's the baby?!"

"What baby, honey?"

"Our baby!" He jumped out of bed and ran into the other room. He opened the guest room door.

"Mom! Where's the baby?" He sounded alarmed, so I jumped out of bed to follow him.

"We don't have a baby, honey."

"Oh. Did our baby died?"

"No, Sweetie. I think you were having a dream that we had a baby. We don't really have one."

"Oh. We need to get one."

All That Darkness Hurts the Eyes

After 2,487 story books, a trip to the bathroom and more water...I thought he'd finally fallen asleep.

"But I can't sleep, Mom. It's too dark."

Skeleton

"Mom I'm gonna get a big, big skeweton (skeleton)! When I'm a big man!"

"Yeah! Now you have a little skeleton!"

"Yeah! But I'm gonna get a big, big one!"

...

"Mom? How would it get in?"

Mr. Potts and Truly Scrumptious Can Kiss My Ass

We were all watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang last night. Colin turned to his dad,

"Daddy, I can get a different daddy like that one and he can make me a car! And I can get a different mom like that one with so so much candy!"

Comeeto

"Mom, I saw a comeeto and the dog was wery, wery cute."

"What's a comeeto?"

"On the TV and it was a little dog, wery wery cute and I need Santa Clause to get me that one."

"Oh! A commercial?"

"Yeah, a comeeto. On TV."

Let's Call it The Arbitrary Song

Heard this little ditty from the bathroom this morning.

"I wanted a computer
and then I needed to poop
and then I wished for a computer
and then I was done!


"Moooooooooom! I need hewp!"

What Passes For a Segue Around Here

"Mom, I'm growing in (into) a big man?"

"Yes. Do you want to be a big man?"

"No. Yes. Soon. I want corn."

"Corn?"

"I want to eat corn. Right now."



*Segue - (seg.way) any smooth, uninterrupted transition from one thing to another.

Raisin Poop

"I don't like raisins in my lunchbox, Mom. They're poop."

"Poop?"

"Yeah. Little poop."

Hi-Ya!

Colin started a kid's jiu-jitsu class with some friends. In trying to explain to him what it would be like, I mimed a couple of karate chops and a kick.

Later:

"C'mon, kid, let's go to Jui-Jitsu!"

"Okay. Is that my punching class?!"

Woah.

"Mom, remember when I was a girl? I was a girl and then I needed a new body and then I was a boy!"

We Love Her Anyway

Colin hugged his dog, "You're my friend, Dixie. Mom? Her name is Dixie, right? Not Cornishumonooldo. And she can't fly."

Morningtime Monster

He woke up singing:

"Morningtime, morningtime
I'm so tired I wanna sleep more
then a monster came in my room
and then I forgot to wake up
and then my mom and daddy got him away
and then I wanted to sleep more
and then the end!"

Another Anatomy Lesson

"Mom, your nose has circles like mine. Their name is knockers."

"You mean nostrils?"

"Oh yeah, nostrils."

For Your Information

"Daddy, you have a skeleton head in your head. Did you know that?"

Nose Identity

4am, from out of the darkness, a little hand touches my nose.

"Mom? My nose is not a girl. My nose is a boy."

"Oh?"

"And your nose is a boy, like me."

Squish

"Colin, don't squeeze the kitty."

"I NEED to squeeze him. But I just don't need to BREAK him."

Serenade

"Mom I made a song for you:

'Winnie the Pooh

went in there (down the drain)

and he got dead with spiders....

and fiiiiiirrrreeeeeeeeeeeee!!

You liked it?"

Playing Zoo

"Daddy, I'll be a monkey and you be a koala. A BIG koala."

How do I Start This Thing?

Upon waking up this morning, Colin made a fist and knocked on his skull.

"My head isn't working."

What Valingtimes Day is For

"I understand, Mom."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"What do you understand?"

"Valing-times day is for hugging Gramma."

It's a Man Thing

"When I was (am) a big man, I can have a mustache."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Like you! But I don't want to get hair on my tummy like you."

"Okay."

"And when I was a big man, I want a BIG BIG flashlight!!"

Booger Portal

"Daddy, I got two doors in my nose."

"Those are called 'nostrils.'"

"No, Daddy. I got doors."

I've Got the Bags Under My Eyes to Prove it.

10pm. I plopped the kid, finally exhausted, into his bed.

Colin: "Mom? I don't like to sleep. You know that?"

Me: "Yep. I knew that."

Colin: "Zzzzzzzzzzzz"

Shock the Doc

Took Colin to the doctor today. "Which ear hurts, Colin?" she asked. He pointed to his left. "And I have a skeleton in my body and a blue heart and a baby in my tummy. But it doesn't look like a fish!"

All Messed Up

Colin is sick. "How does your body feel this morning, Colin?" "I'm all messed up. We could go to the pyrofractor?" (aka "chiropractor")

Go By Yourself!

My husband asked my son if he needed to pee. My kid was wearing a headset and misunderstood - he thought his dad was asking him for help in the bathroom. He shouted over the music to his Dad, "No! You're big enough! You can go by yourself!"

Somethin Funny

"Colin, can you say something funny?"

"Sure. One time I got a little tiny baby, then he can grow in your tummy, and I don't know. Because it will be funny then I can go in the sky, then I can run."

?

Don't Worry, Kid. They Wouldn't Fit Through the Door Anyway.

At bedtime after a day at the Natural History Museum:

"Mom? Dinosaurs aren't real?"

"Not anymore. They used to be, but they all died a long time ago."

"Oh...They won't come to our house, right?"

"No. Never."

Just Don't Start With the Fart Jokes

"You're funny, Colin."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just funny like my Dad."

Mom in Trouble

Colin just threatened to give me a time out. He's really mad. And I'm thinking...I would LOVE a time out. He's giving me the "very serious" face. He has no idea.

How to Drive a Car

"I don't wanna go to school, mom."

"I understand, but I need you to go to school, babe. It's your job. Just like Daddy and I have jobs to do."

"But I don't wanna go to school, mom!"

"Hmm. Well, what do you want to know, Colin?"

There was a pregnant pause as he considered this while sucking on his spoon. Suddenly alert, he looked up at me. "How to drive a car!"

"Cool! Did you know that you have to learn how to read before you can learn to drive a car?"

"No."

"Yeah, there's a book you have to read about how to drive a car, and you have to be able to read all the signs on the street, too."

"Oh."

"So, how 'bout we get ready for school?"

"Okay."

Totally Not Anything My Kid Said

Just a quote I came across today, which I love:

"Be wary of saying or doing anything to a child that you would not do to another adult, whose good opinion and affection you valued."

- John Holt

I get the point, and it's a beautiful one. But I guess my question is...would I tell another adult, whose good opinion and affection I valued, to quit choking the dog and please put his pants and underwear back on before going outside? And how much would I value the opinion of an adult who tried to kill my pets and flash his bum to the neighbors? Anyway. Food for thought.

Thinking Ahead

"Waaaaaaaaaa!! Owww!!!!"

"Are you okay, Colin?"

"Yeah. I'm okay later when it's all better."

Suddenly, School Sounds Like Lotsa Fun

After leaving a huge mess in the living room and kitchen this morning,

"I know, Mom. I can go to school and you can fix the house!"

Let me at 'em

"It's not okay to hit people, Colin."

"But I can hit tigers and sharks and monsters. And blankets. Right, mom?"

Unforgivably Rude

Colin: "Mom, I wanna go outside!"

Me: "Dude, no way. You're wearing pajamas and no shoes and there's freezing rain out there. Come and get dressed."

Colin: "You're rude."

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

The little girl is Colin's friend. Like most girls, she talks. You get to start seeing Colin's reaction to it about a minute in.

This was taken in September, 2009.

Oh Really?

"My great-grandma is dead. But just her body is dead. Not her head."

Bad Like Me

Colin's Daddy told him to wait a minute. Kid didn't like that.

"I'm gonna give you a "X." He drew a big "x" on his chalkboard.

Daddy said, "Can I get a star?"

Colin said, "No. Never. You'll never get a star. Because you're bad like me and you fight."

A New Leg

"Mom, I got two owies on my leg. I gotta get a new leg."

*****

And more:

Colin: "Mom? I need a new leg, I said!"

Me: "Well, you can't really just buy a new leg and stick it on. If we took the old one off you'd have to get a fake one."

Colin: "We could just glue it."

Scary, but Nice

Colin went on the Haunted House ride at Disneyland for the first time today.

"How did you like that, Colin?"

"That was too scary for me. But it was so nice, too."

Cuz I Need Stuff

First thing this morning:

"Mom. I need to make a lot of money."

"How come?"

"I need to buy a motorcycle and a truck and a car and a big house and a train in my back yard."

Pajamas

Mom Needs a Penis

Overheard conversation:

"Daddy, mom needs a penis." Daddy said, "Oh yeah?" Colin replied, "Yep. We should buy her one."

Thinking it's sweet of him to want to make up for what I'm lacking.