Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Mars: The Real Deal

The kid woke up like a shot at 7am:
"What do u need, honey?"
"Mom, in space, Mars is so far away from da sun. So Mars is so cold. So only Canadians could go dere. But Mars doesn't have any air. So only aliens could live dere."

Canadian aliens, I'm guessing.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The North Matrix

"Mom, do you know how Santa Claus controls people?"
"Wif his magic. Mom, don't you not want Santa Claus to control you?"
"No, I don't."
"Okay. So, say 'Dere's no way Santa Claus would control me."
"There's no way Santa Claus would control me."
"Haha. Mom! Santa Claus just controlled you to say dat!"

Santa and the Kid circa 2010

Thursday, September 15, 2011

My Boobs are Dumb

The Kid was swimming with a friend.
Friend: "Boobs are dumb."
Kid: "My boobs are intelligence. They make me smart."
Me: "I didn't know boobs made people smart. I must be really smart then, huh?"
Kid: "Nah. Not yours, Mom."

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Alarm Clocks Annoy Everybody

I was in the kitchen when the alarm in my room went off this morning, but it managed to wake somebody else up.
The kid yelled, "I’m already awake, stupid machiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!!"

Saturday, September 10, 2011

What if?!

"What if instead of 'phttttttth!' my butt said, 'knock, knock! And somebody else said, 'Whose there?' and I said, 'I did not say that, it was my butt!"

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Anatomy of Pee

“Mom, want me to tell you what pee is?”
“Pee is a kind of water that is yellow if you take vitamins, and if you don’t it’s just white. And pee is also a kind of water than when you touch it, it’s like…gross.”

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

On the Cleansing Properties of Chocolate Milk

"Here, buddy, come and wash your hands."
"Nah, that's okay, Mom. I'm using the chocolate milk as a hand samitizer."

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Save Da Erf

"Mom, you wanna know how to protect da erf?"
"One, don't use too much paper. Two, don't fro trash on da floor. Five, just water da plants, don't kill dem. And seven, just be yerselfs. Dats all da ways. And you better tell all your friends how ta take care of da erf."