Mars: The Real Deal

The kid woke up like a shot at 7am:

"Mom!!"
"What do u need, honey?"
"Mom, in space, Mars is so far away from da sun. So Mars is so cold. So only Canadians could go dere. But Mars doesn't have any air. So only aliens could live dere."

Canadian aliens, I'm guessing.

The North Matrix

"Mom, do you know how Santa Claus controls people?"
"How?"
"Wif his magic. Mom, don't you not want Santa Claus to control you?"
"No, I don't."
"Okay. So, say 'Dere's no way Santa Claus would control me."
"There's no way Santa Claus would control me."
"Haha. Mom! Santa Claus just controlled you to say dat!"

Santa and the Kid circa 2010

My Boobs are Dumb

The Kid was swimming with a friend.

Friend: "Boobs are dumb."

Kid: "My boobs are intelligence. They make me smart."

Me: "I didn't know boobs made people smart. I must be really smart then, huh?"

Kid: "Nah. Not yours, Mom."

Alarm Clocks Annoy Everybody

I was in the kitchen when the alarm in my room went off this morning, but it managed to wake somebody else up.

The kid yelled, "I’m already awake, stupid machiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!!"

What if?!

"What if instead of 'phttttttth!' my butt said, 'knock, knock! And somebody else said, 'Whose there?' and I said, 'I did not say that, it was my butt!"

The Anatomy of Pee

“Mom, want me to tell you what pee is?”

“What?”

“Pee is a kind of water that is yellow if you take vitamins, and if you don’t it’s just white. And pee is also a kind of water than when you touch it, it’s like…gross.”

On the Cleansing Properties of Chocolate Milk

"Here, buddy, come and wash your hands."

"Nah, that's okay, Mom. I'm using the chocolate milk as a hand samitizer."

Da Toof Fairy's First Visit

Save Da Erf

"Mom, you wanna know how to protect da erf?"

"Sure!"

"One, don't use too much paper. Two, don't fro trash on da floor. Five, just water da plants, don't kill dem. And seven, just be yerselfs. Dats all da ways. And you better tell all your friends how ta take care of da erf."

Smarty Pants

This just in from the Kid's dad:

"Dad, I know everything."

Oh, is that right?"

"Yes! And Mom knows I know everything."

"Wow. I guess she must know everything too then."

"Nope. She just knows about cars and fixing things."

He thought about that while gazing out the window for a minute.

"Actually she doesn't know about that stuff either."

The washing machine is my hero, too.

"Mom! Let's play Captain-in-America versus Evil Jaguar Face Head!"

"Okay. I want to be the bad guy."

"Yeah! You are! And da winner is....Captain-in-America!!! Now Let's play Evil Gorilla versus Washing Machine! I'm the washing machine. You try to take all my clothes!"

"Okay."

"And da winner is...Washing Machine!"

How To Upstage Your Mom

I was on the phone planning a date.

"Mom, I want to talk to him."

"Sure"

The kid took the phone.

"Hi. Do you fink you wanna marry to my mom? .... Because I want you to get my mom a baby. Oh. Okay. Bye."

OMG.

Sweet Dreams

"Goodnight, sweetie. I love you."
"Mom, you know when I'm sleeping?"
"Yeah?"
"And my blanket falls off me?"
"Yeah?"
"And you come and put it back on me?"
"Yeah?"
(Sleepy smiles from the kid.)
"Yeah."

Huinnn-Hunngggg?

It's all the rage, kids! Talk without opening your mouth or moving your lips! Amaze and perplex your parents!

I never did figure out what he was trying to say.