Smarty Pants

This just in from the Kid's dad:

"Dad, I know everything."

Oh, is that right?"

"Yes! And Mom knows I know everything."

"Wow. I guess she must know everything too then."

"Nope. She just knows about cars and fixing things."

He thought about that while gazing out the window for a minute.

"Actually she doesn't know about that stuff either."

The washing machine is my hero, too.

"Mom! Let's play Captain-in-America versus Evil Jaguar Face Head!"

"Okay. I want to be the bad guy."

"Yeah! You are! And da winner is....Captain-in-America!!! Now Let's play Evil Gorilla versus Washing Machine! I'm the washing machine. You try to take all my clothes!"

"Okay."

"And da winner is...Washing Machine!"

How To Upstage Your Mom

I was on the phone planning a date.

"Mom, I want to talk to him."

"Sure"

The kid took the phone.

"Hi. Do you fink you wanna marry to my mom? .... Because I want you to get my mom a baby. Oh. Okay. Bye."

OMG.

Sweet Dreams

"Goodnight, sweetie. I love you."
"Mom, you know when I'm sleeping?"
"Yeah?"
"And my blanket falls off me?"
"Yeah?"
"And you come and put it back on me?"
"Yeah?"
(Sleepy smiles from the kid.)
"Yeah."

Huinnn-Hunngggg?

It's all the rage, kids! Talk without opening your mouth or moving your lips! Amaze and perplex your parents!

I never did figure out what he was trying to say.